Browsing All posts tagged under »Cafeteria«

Cafeteria Claims No Laxatives are Used in Food; Student Body’s Anuses Disagree

March 12, 2012

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“I may be an asshole but I’m not an idiot,” says one enraged anus. “I just spent half an hour pooping air,” said another livid anus, “That shouldn’t be as common as it is.” Sodexo rebutes these charges, stating the claims are “biased analysis.” Advertisements

Sodexo Blocks Workers’ Reunion Efforts

March 11, 2012

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Correction Notice: “Wire Lizards Come to Life at Night and Clean Cafeteria Carpets” Report Disproven

January 19, 2012

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No one cleans carpet.

Cafeteria Foodstuffs Onioninize

January 14, 2012

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The cafeteria’s foodstuffs Saladerity Movement succeeded last week in their struggle for onionization. Foodstuffs had organicized just outside campus, standing for hours on end to the cheers of “Ice cream for justice!” and “Lettuce have a living wage!” It had bean hours when the news finally leeked that the food would have an onion. The […]

Annie’s Still Closed on Sundays

January 14, 2012

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“Fuck,” says senior Dennis Rodman, “I really wanted some homefries.” By Rodman’s estimation he has attempted to patronize Annie’s Clark Brunch on 31 Sundays in his eight semesters at Clark University. “They’d make like a million dollars if they were open Sunday mornings,” hypothesized the hungry and disgruntled student, “They should be open nights, too. […]