Clark's Only News Source

Clark Campus Speaks Out in Favor of “Global Temperature Diversity” Program

March 13, 2012

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“I’m glad to see that the world is finally taking a stand against weather inequality,” said President David Angel this week, speaking to an audience of his immediate family.  Angel posited that separate is never equal, and that Clark’s opposition to categorization can be a model for the conduct of the world.  “From now on, […]

Posted in: Clark News, World News

Handicap Door Handicaps Student

March 12, 2012

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A student was handicapped by the handicap door beside Jazzman’s in the Fucking Around Commons this week. The door, designed by an idiot, requires the strength of ten men to open it. Julia Strikeman, the student in question, was no match. “I tried to open the door…it opened a bit and then slowly crushed my […]

Posted in: Clark News

Confused Arkansans Vote Kony in Primary

March 12, 2012

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Lord’s Resistance Army Leader Picks up 36 Delegates, Considers Officially Joining Race. “From what I gather people are dissatisfied with the field this year,” says the controversial figure, “I figure I’ve already got a viral campaign and some ardent supporters, why can’t I take a shot at Romney?” Republican Party leaders remain skeptical. “He’s a divisive […]

Posted in: World News

Cafeteria Claims No Laxatives are Used in Food; Student Body’s Anuses Disagree

March 12, 2012

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“I may be an asshole but I’m not an idiot,” says one enraged anus. “I just spent half an hour pooping air,” said another livid anus, “That shouldn’t be as common as it is.” Sodexo rebutes these charges, stating the claims are “biased analysis.”

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Posted in: Clark News, Headlines

Te Crimnson AeutoCoreckt on th Friits

March 12, 2012

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Te Crmsn xperianced sum troobles todey s th tipicly relyed up on awtokorrect haze undregown som dificultys. Staf hav desperitly tryed too continew werk as usuel, butt their have bean an ajustmant peiriod. “Ths is whard,” reaports coe-ditor-in-cheif Jaque Strape, “Howw ear computters so smarte?” Wii apalagize four eny inconveineence.

Posted in: Uncategorized

Atheism Grows at Clark as Belief in Tom Brady Dwindles

March 12, 2012

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Clark University is one of many New England schools experiencing a sudden upshot in Atheism since the Patriot’s defeat in Super Bowl XLVI. The surge began in early February, peaked in the middle month, and has maintained steady growth since. “I just…don’t want to talk about it,” said junior Clarence Riddles, “Just…fuck.” Support systems which usually help to […]

Posted in: Clark News

Unwelcome Student Feels Unwelcome at Party

March 12, 2012

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“It’s like they didn’t even want me here,” said sophomore Darren Collins, who was unwanted. “We were just trying to have a quiet night with close friends,” said reluctant host Marcia Allen, “Then Darren showed up. I didn’t want to be rude and kick him out, so we’ve all just been giving him passive aggressive looks […]

Posted in: Clark News
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